INTRODUCING...RECIPES!!!
That's right, recipes. In our relentless pursuit of our endeavor to enrich the lives of all human beings, we have decided to start publishing recipes. Right here, in the recipe section.
We hope you enjoy these wholesome, easy to prepare dishes.
Hopefully these recipes will help keep people away from McDonald's, because at McDonald's everybody spits in the food. They spit in the secret sauce that goes on the big macs, the tartar sauce that goes on the fish sandwiches, right on the hamburger patties, they spit in or on everything. It's like part of the McDonald's corporate culture or something. So tonight, instead of going to McDonald's just stay at home and cook. That way you don't have to eat somebody's spit unless you want to.
PEANUT BUTTER CHICKEN
INGREDIENTS:
A chicken
1 cup peanut butter (smooth kind)
A big onion
A little red pepper, or hot sauce, or a chopped up chile pepper, or whatever
Some oil or something to keep the chicken from sticking to the pan
WHAT TO DO:
First get the chicken cooking. Hopefully you bought the chicken from a grocery store so it's already dead and cleaned up. Otherwise, chop it's head off with an axe and take a video of it running around the backyard. Post the video on youtube. Then pick off the feathers, chop the feet off, and somehow get the guts out. Throw all that nasty stuff away.
Next debone the chicken. People hate to eat chicken with bones in it anymore. At about 2 in the morning, sneak over to your neighbor's house and throw the chicken bones in their pool. It'll be funny, trust me.
Now cut up the chicken and throw it in the pan, which should be sitting on a hot stove in your kitchen.
Now cut up the onion. If your eyes start to water, call somebody into the kitchen and start talking about what a lousy day you had, or how you miss your first dog, or just start ranting and raving about some crazy stuff. Talk about seeing helicopters and how nobody will sell you a machine gun or something. You're crying, so make the most of it.
Now put the chopped up onion in the pan and start laughing like a maniac. That will make whoever you were screwing with earlier feel at ease, and more likely to feel like eating. Scoop the peanut butter out of the jar until it looks like you have about a cup of peanut butter in the pan. Don't use a measuring cup. That would be too damn messy.
Put the hot stuff in the pan and stir it all up. Now would be a good time to spit in the food, if you want to. Don't let anyone see you doing that. They just would not understand.
Now just let everything cook, and stir it every now and then. Have a beer or a shot of tequila or something. Spit in the food one more time.
Keep your eye on the food cooking. When it looks done, it's probably done. When it looks done just yell "Dinner's ready!" If anybody comes, tell them to grab a plate and fork and help themselves. Don't wait on anybody. You've done your job.
Leave the dishes for someone else. You made dinner, damnit! Make yourself a plate and sit on the couch and watch Jeapordy while you eat. If you can't answer a question in the form of an answer, or say an answer in form of a question, don't worry about it. You know your shit, so don't let Alex Trabeck intimidate you.
Take a nap if you want to. If you have a spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend or lover or whatever around, demand sex. You deserve it. You just made dinner.
The OCD PBJ
INGREDIENTS:
2 slices of white bread, completely equal in size and shape.
1 tablespoon of creamy peanut butter
3/4 tablespoon rasberry jam
WHAT TO DO:
Unwrap a bar of soap, being careful not to tear the paper. Set the soap down on a paper towel that is placed on a freshly washed plate. Position the soap so that the long edge is perfectly parallel to the edge of the counter.
Carefully flatten the soap wrapper, removing as many wrinkles as possible.
Fold the flattened, wrinkle free soap wrapper in half. Place the soap wrapper on the counter in front of you, with the folded edge closest to you and perfectly parallel to the edge of the counter. Rub the soap wrapper slowly and firmly for thirty seconds, being sure that you have felt the entire surface of the wrapper. If you feel or see any imperfections, walk to the laundry room and check to see if a sock was accidently left in the dryer.
Wash your hands, without letting one hand touch the other.
Open the silver ware drawer and select a butter knife that is shinier than the others. Set the knife parallel to the bread slices.
Wash your hands, without letting one hand touch the other.
Get the jar of peanut butter from the peanut butter cabinet. Check the expiration date to make sure that the peanut butter is not contaminated.
Open the jar, and check the surface of the peanut butter for contaminants and imperfections.
If the jar of peanut butter is less than 2/3 full, throw it away and say "today is not the day for pbj". Carefully screw the lid back onto the jar and discard. Check the jar to make sure that the lid is screwed on tight. Brush your teeth three times.
If the jar of peanut butter is sufficiently full, carefully screw the lid back on the jar.
Check the jar to make sure that the lid is screwed on tight.
Wash your hands, without letting one hand touch the other.
Get the jar of rasberry jam from the refrigerator.
Open the jar, and check the surface of the rasberry jam for contaminants and imperfections.
If there are no impediments, say "maybe today is the day for pbj"
Slide the butter knife carefully along the inner edge of the peanut butter jar, until one tablespoon of peanut butter has collected on the edge.
Spread the peanut butter carefully onto the bread, making sure that the entire surface of the bread is covered evenly.
Wash the butter knife carefully in hot water. Rinse for one minute.
Slide the butter knife carefully along the inner edge of the rasberry jam jar, until 3/4 of a tablespoon of rasberry jam has collected on the
edge.
Spread the rasberry jam carefully onto the bread, making sure that the entire surface of the bread is covered evenly.
Carefully place the jam covered slice of bread onto the peanut butter covered slice of bread, making sure that the two slices are evenly aligned.
Eat the sandwich.
Check the phone to make sure there is a dial tone.
Take a shower.
BUTTERMILK PANCAKES
INGREDIENTS:
1 box Bisquick
eggs
milk
syrup
butter
WHAT TO DO:
Pour a bunch of Bisquick into a big bowl. Add milk and a couple of eggs. Add enough milk so it's not too thick and not too thin. Stir the whole thing like you are some kind of crazy stirrer person. Cook the pancakes in an iron skillet, put butter and syrup on them, and sit down in the living room and watch cartoons. Tell somebody to bring you a glass of milk.
MEXICAN EGGS
INGREDIENTS:
6-12 eggs
a jar of salsa
A bunch of cheese
butter, salt and pepper, etc. yada yada
WHAT TO DO:
Sit around on a Saturday morning and watch TV, read the paper, walk around the house, lay on the couch, and whatever else you can do to kill time while you wait for someone else to offer to make breakfast.
Around 12 or 12:30, when it becomes apparent that everyone is lazier than they are hungry, grab a beer out of the fridge and drink it, drawing attention to the fact that you are drinking a beer and nobody's even had breakfast yet. Drink 2/3 of the beer kind of medium slow and set it down on the table for one minute. Then pick up the beer all purposeful and stuff, and guzzle down the remaining third. Lightly slam the empty bottle on the table, stand up, and announce "I think I'll make some Mexican Eggs. Does anyone want Mexican Eggs?"
Everyone will say yes in some fashion so now you're committed. So find the biggest frying pan in the house, put it on the stove, and throw about a half stick of butter in their. While the butter is melting, grab all of the eggs, all of the cheese, and a jar of salsa out of the refrigerator.
When the butter just starts to smoke, start cracking eggs into the pan. Be real sloppy and haphazard about it, so egg just gets everywhere. Don't worry if a shell or two get's in there, just make a mental note to give that part to someone else. And don't worry about the mess, because it's not your job to clean it up. Stir the eggs with a fork or a spatula or whatever is handy. As the eggs start to cook and solidify, dump the whole jar of salsa in there. If there are any chips laying around, grab a handful and crunch them up with your bare hands and drop them into the mix. Stir everything again, this time with a new utensil. Dirty up as many utensils as you can, because you don't have to clean up. Get out a lid to put over the pan and then decide that it doesn't fit quite right. Throw that lid in the sink and grab another one.
Then throw all the cheese in the pan, grab yet another new utensil, and stir everything one last time. Turn off the heat, grab a plate, and help yourself to a huge portion. Pour yourself a huge glass of orange juice, like half the carton. Take the plate full of Mexican Eggs and the humongous glass full of orange juice and sit down an start eating like a starved hyena. Look around at everyone else who were too lazy to make their own breakfast and say "Mexican Eggs there if you want some" and get back to eating like a wild dog.
Sit back and wait until everyone is just about done eating, then grab the whole paper, even the classifieds, and head for the bathroom. Sit in there until you hear dishes clinking and water running, and are satisfied that someone is doing the dishes. Take a shower to make sure that you give everyone else ample time to finish the dishes.