BRADENTON, FLA -
This is the time of year when it starts really getting cold in most of the U.S. All the people who spent the summer laughing at the dumbasses who live in Florida and are getting kicked out of their houses are now saying "It is positively totally fucking freezing! Ain't no way I'm getting out of bed today, mama!". And then they lay in bed for a couple of minutes and think "if I lived in Florida, I would be warm". And for a few seconds they forget about the flying man-eating sting rays, the beaches full of rattlesnakes, and the law against locking your kid in the car while you shop for furniture at IKEA. Not to mention the fact that people who actually do move to Florida are generally freaky scary crazy, and the ones who were born and raised here are even freaky scary crazier.
So anyway this past summer, when everybody in the country was basking in mid-summer balminess, this guy named Justin Matthews decides to put a python in a drainpipe and then catch it and act like a big hero. Justin said he was merely trying to call attention to the dangers of irresponsible pet ownership, but he never managed to get that message out. Instead he just gave everyone another excuse to stay away from Florida. Pythons. Pythons everywhere, stealing babies, reproducing like fertility clinic abusing rabbits, and occasionally exploding.
So it turns out that the guy faked the whole python adventure. Investigators spent about eight minutes drinking coffee and making phone calls before finding that Justin had purchased the very same snake he captured from some pet store. About a month prior to letting it go.
And man let me tell you this guy picked the wrong time to spread false rumors that there are pythons living in the State of Sunshine. See, we need a bunch of tourist money down here BAD. I mean the toll booth people don't smile anymore, lawyers are eating out of trash cans, and strippers are getting laid off. Things are tight, moneywise, and we don't need some dingaling in a cowboy hat telling the world we got a python problem. We need people to believe they can survive a visit down here. Stay out of the saltwater, you won't get eaten by sharks. Stay out of the freshwater, you won't get eaten by alligators. That has been the general rule of thumb for decades. It's simple, something people can remember when they are drunk. We don't need pythons in the equation.
In related news, the first "python roundup" in the Everglades was a tremendous success. Over 36 pythons were caught and destroyed. This brings the number of pythons living in the wilds of Florida down to a much more manageable 149,973. More or less. Oh, also they discovered a new species of python - some nasty thing that people don't even want as pets.
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